As a wrestling fan, it’s inevitable that you have seen thousands and thousands of moves in your lifetime. And, as a wrestling fan, it’s also inevitable that you have to set aside reality a little in order to truly enjoy a bit of sports entertainment. Sure, there are aspects of wrestling that are completely realistic, but then there are also magical beings that can summon lightning and teleport into caskets. Same goes with the moves – some would fit perfectly in a real life scrap, but then there are some that exist just to look cool. In this list, I’m looking at the moves that are perfectly acceptable in the wonderful world of kayfabe, yet in reality, they just have no use. Here are the Top 10 Cool Moves That Wouldn’t Actually Hurt.
10. Standing European Uppercut
Now, I’ve never actually taken a Standing European Uppercut before, but from what I can see, it doesn’t look all too painful. Sure, even when skilled technicians with rock-hard arms like Cesaro hit it, it probably doesn’t feel completely pleasant, but due to the increased surface area used in the strike, it just cannot be as effective as a simple punch.
9. Walls of Jericho
The pain factor in this move is all about the execution. I’m sure we’ve all had this move used on us on top of a friend’s trampoline years ago. They probably sat on your back as they locked it in, and it really fucking hurt, so you stormed off home, vowing to never be friends with them again, or at least until you saw them at school the next day. And yes, admittedly if the user does sit down on the victim’s back, it is devastating , and Jericho’s Liontamer looks spine-bendingly brutal, yet when The Best in the World at What he Does locks in his standing Boston Crab, it feels more like a yoga stretch than anything. Perhaps maybe DDP should consider taking this one on board.
8. Giant Swing
The Giant Swing really doesn’t have any impact involved, however that’s not really the point of it. The Giant Swing is designed to disorientate an opponent, leaving them more vulnerable to further attacks, whilst also intimidating them with the ability to throw them around like a child and simultaneously exciting the crowd.
Yes, it would make you dizzy, lightheaded, and there’s a high chance you’d need a lie down next to a bucket just in case afterwards, but there’s no real physical pain involved. Although this move wouldn’t actually hurt, I certainly would not want to take it.
7. Old School
If you actually let someone get you in a wrist lock, ascend up a turnbuckle, walk across a tightrope, and dive off to strike you, then you deserve to be hurt. But the thing is, you most likely wouldn’t. As it requires a lot of balance to execute, there’s no room for the user to swing their arm back as they leap down on their opponent, meaning there is very little impact to the move at all. Although it is a little ridiculous and clearly pointless, it is completely acceptable in the world of wrestling.
6. Figure Four Leg Lock
Although it’s one of the most iconic submission moves of all time, the Figure Four Leg Lock would never make anybody tap out in reality. It may have been responsible for the Nature Boy winning sixteen world championships, but it has never been responsible for anyone winning a shoot fight. In fact, the move just feels like a pleasant stretch, something you’d use to actually help reduce the pain in your legs. It’s a move that will continue to be seen in wrestling rings for decades to come, yet this is certainly a hold you will never see inside an octagon.
Whether it’s the RKO, Diamond Cutter, Lethal Injection, OsCutter, or Bubba Cutter, no matter what it’s called, it’s just not that effective. As I explained in my Top 15 Finishers in WWE list, Cutters (the RKO especially) are undeniably awesome; they can be hit out of nowhere, and are one of the most popular finishers of all time. However, regardless of how much it excites a crowd, if you tried to use this in a real fight, you’d just fall flat on your back.
As a kid, Rey Mysterio was one of my guys. He could do things nobody else did in WWE, one of which was the 619. As cool as it this tiger feint kick looks, if you look past the flash and uniqueness of the move, it’s clear that realistically it just would not do anything. The swinging momentum really adds nothing to the effectiveness of the kick as the user doesn’t actually stick their leg out to the hit the opponent, plus the move requires so much precision to hit that the user is mostly focused on properly doing the move, rather than how much damage it could do. No matter how many times Rey drops the dime, it will never actually drop an opponent.
3. Standing Dropkick
The Dropkick is a staple of wrestling. Both a visually impressive and highly athletic move, a Standing Dropkick is a stand-out in any wrestler’s moveset, and the likes of Okada and Moose can make a crowd go wild with it. But if somebody actually tried this out on you, what would it do? Push you back a little? I mean, I’d rather somebody didn’t leap into the air and force me backwards slightly with their feet, but it wouldn’t exactly leave me bruised and battered. Undeniably flashy and cool, but that’s about it.
2. Diving Leg Drop
A regular leg drop isn’t that cool or effective, as I’ve explained previously in my list of the Top 10 Worst Finishers in WWE, yet the added height, momentum, and aerial spectacle of a wrestler ascending a turnbuckle to deliver the move is always an awesome sight. Regardless of how much the visual appeal is improved, the effectiveness of the move remains exactly the same. Diving moves are usually packed with crushing force and impact, but this is a clear exception. In fact, a Diving Leg Drop hurts the user significantly more than a regular leg drop, thus the only way this cool move would hurt you is if you were the one doing it.
Cross Rhodes – It may make you slightly dizzy, but that’s about it really.
The Worm –It’s debatable how ‘cool’ this move actually is (hence why it didn’t make the list), but there’s no doubt in any fan’s mind that this move is completely painless. It may impress your friends on the dancefloor, but it wouldn’t impress anyone in a fight.
Stratisfaction – Very ‘stratisfying’ to the eye, not very effective to the opponent’s face.
What is considered one of the coolest moves of all time in the eyes of many, the Stunner just simply wouldn’t hurt anyone. Even when the likes of The Rock sell the move so convincingly, the fact is it’s basically just someone sitting down whilst holding onto another person’s neck. Even if a complete behemoth tried it on you, the worst it would do would be to make you fall to one knee. It may have won multiple Royal Rumbles, main events and world championships, and yes it is undoubtedly one of the most iconic and beloved finishers in the history of wrestling, yet the fact remains that if you tried to do this in a shoot fight, the only way you’ll win is by making your opponent submit with laughter.
For more moves based lists, check out my finisher series.
Follow me on Twitter for more wrestling – @hairywrestling